


The Lost

by Hamliet



Series: Ghosts Universe [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Indoctrination, Established Relationship, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Redemption, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 02:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6686023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamliet/pseuds/Hamliet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the sake of the galaxy, Ben Solo might need to become Kylo Ren one last time. Three-shot sequel to Ghosts (can be read as a stand-alone).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first part of a three-shot sequel to Ghosts, one of my earlier Reylo and Stormpilot stories. It can definitely be read as a standalone, however--all you really need to know is that Rey and Ben have a kid, and Finn is a Skywalker in this story (I don't actually subscribe to that theory, but it's a lot of fun to write!) 
> 
> I'm still working on a longer canon-verse story, but I'm going to revise it after Bloodlines comes out for accuracy, so I'll probably start posting that next week.

Ben's eyes snap open to the sound of his daughter screaming.

"I'll get her," Rey mumbles from beside him. The room is pitch black, informing Ben they couldn't have been asleep for more than an hour or two.

"Padmé," Rey croons, cradling the baby to her chest. "Shh, shh, sweetheart. It's okay." She slips back onto the bed, bouncing the child, who only screws up her face and cries all the harder. For the third night in a row, Ben doubts they'll be getting any sleep.

Padmé's been an easy baby for the first six months. _Far easier than you,_ his mother had told him, rolling her eyes. For the past week, though, neither of them can get her to stop crying.

"Are you hungry?" Rey asks, slipping her shirt off her shoulder. Heat floods Ben as he watches his wife try to coax their daughter into eating. Except, Padmé's having none of it.

"She doesn't need to be changed?"

"No, I checked." Rey rocks her daughter back and forth. "It'll be all right. It'll be all right." Her voice trembles, and in the dim light Ben switches on, he can see fatigue dragging down the skin under Rey's eyes.

"Stay here," Ben says. "I'll take her for a walk."

Sometimes, when he had nightmares as a toddler, his father used to take him for a walk outside, if they were on a planet, or up to the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon if they were flying, where Ben could watch the stars and rest his head against his father's chest, curling up in his arms or on his lap, listen to his beating heart.

The heart Ben himself stopped.

 _Stop_.

"Are you sure?" Rey bites her lip.

"I'm sure." Ben presses his hand against Rey's face, feeling the softness of her cheek with his thumb. "Get some rest."

"Thank you." Rey crawls back under the covers as Ben lifts up the squalling Padmé, pressing her against his own chest. "I love you."

"I know," Ben answers softly, smirking as he leaves. Padmé still wails. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" He strokes her dark hair, thick like his. Her eyes, though—they've softened from the every-baby's blue to hazel, like Rey's. Ben's glad. He likes Rey's eyes, and seeing them in such a small face—it still astounds him. In her six months, Padmé's doubled in size, and yet she's still tiny.

She drools and sobs against his dark shirt, the wetness seeping through. Ben winces and adjusts her, bouncing her up and down. He remembers the lullaby R2 sang to him the first night he showed up at D'Qar, the only Mother used to sing to him, and sings it softly for his daughter as they head outside.

The stars sparkle overhead, against a velvet universe. Somewhere, out there, Poe's finishing a mission to eradicate the First Order. He should be back soon, and that'll be a relief for Finn, Ben's cousin. And for Ben. Poe's his friend.

_Whoever would have thought?_

A group of Resistance pilots pass, casting him skeptical looks. Even after everyone's word about how he'd helped defeat Snoke, even after he married Rey, not everyone trusts him. Not that Ben blames them.

Although he does feel frustrated. With himself, for letting it get so far to where he will never be truly redeemed.

_You've sullied your grandfather's name._

_No_. His grandfather's assured him of his love.

"No wonder she's crying," mutters one pilot. "Clutched in the arms of that monster."

His words hit Ben like a bowcaster blow. His knees buckle, but he can't fall. He has Padmé in his arms. Instead, he glares at that pilot, whose face blanches.

"Sorry," says Jess Pava as she glowers after her crewmate. "She okay?"

Despite their atrocious beginning, when Jess once tried to burn Ben's face with his own lightsaber, she's at least warmed up to him. Or at least, to Rey and Padmé, and that keeps her from hating him. Ben thinks.

"Hope so. She's been cranky lately," Ben answers as Padmé's cries drag like nails down his back. _Stop, sweet child, please be quiet. Please. Please be quiet._

"Is she teething?" Jess questions.

 _Huh_. Ben pries Padmé's face up and tries to look in her mouth. No go. "Maybe?"

"If she is, giving her something to chew on might help," Jess suggests. "I've gotta go. Poe's supposed to radio us in fifteen minutes."

Ben nods. "Everything all right?'

"Hopefully. Have a good night." Jess swishes away, and Ben offers Padmé his finger. She grabs it in her small fists, pulling it into her mouth. She bites down, gnawing on it with her gums.

And, possibly a tooth. _Ouch_.

At least her cries are quieting. Ben sighs as he strolls past several X-wings, pausing by the _Millennium Falcon_. "Someday, we'll go up there," Ben tells her. "You were born up there, you know that? In the sky."

Her eyelids start to droop. _Oh, please, thank the Maker_.

Ben signs the lullaby from Alderaan again, and again. Padmé whimpers, and he keeps singing, desperate.

Eventually, her head sags against his shoulder. Ben sings and walks under the stars, rocking her gently.

 _I love you so much,_ Ben thinks, watching her sleep with a lump in his throat.

Admiral Ackbar passes by, giving Ben a nod of acknowledgement. Ben returns the gesture.

"I recognize the song," Ackbar tells him.

"My mother used to—"

"Her mother—her adoptive mother—used to sing it to her when she had nightmares. She sang it to you." Ackbar shakes his head. "Are nightmares inherited for all descendants of Darth Vader?"

If Ben didn't have Padmé in his arms, he would show this admiral the true power of the Force. He narrows his eyes. "She's teething." Probably.

"Of course. I meant no insult."

Not to his mother or his uncle, Ben knows. But he certainly did mean to insult Ben, whom he sees as nothing more than Han's murderer, Snoke's lackey. "I'm not Kylo Ren anymore."

"What are you going to tell her about that?" Ackbar asks, inclining his head towards the baby. "About your… exploits? About what happened to your father?"

The night air is warm, but goosebumps prickle on Ben's arms and nausea surges within him. He hates Ackbar in this moment. All the emotions he associates with the Dark Side—the fury, the rage, the urge to smash things with his lightsaber and threaten, always threaten—boils in the pit of his stomach. He grits his teeth.

Ackbar steps back, and the darkness deflates within him to a rock rattling around his abdomen. Ben hangs his head as the admiral walks away.

It's still there.

He's known it. He knows it always will be—but— _why?_

Padmé stirs, sighing in her sleep.

 _What_ am _I going to tell her?_

Ben heads back inside, crawling in next to Rey. He doesn't put Padmé in her crib. Instead, he keeps her curled up on his chest, falling asleep with her heart beating against his.

* * *

_Your child is mine._

No _, Rey thinks wildly._ No, that's impossible. You're dead!

_Snoke laughs and laughs, and as Rey whirls around to look for her daughter, a door locks behind her._

" _Let me out!" Rey screams, pounding her fists against the steel. General Hux passes by, brow drawn in a scowl. "Help!" she calls, but he vanishes._

 _Padmé howls, but Rey can't reach her because she's trapped in this freaking room. The baby's cries echo all around her, louder and louder and_ louder _, and Rey's screaming too, and the screams tear her apart._

"Rey, wake up!"

Her eyes fly open as Ben shakes her shoulder. She glugs in air, tears sticky on her face. Ben looks at her with his jaw hanging open. "Again?"

"Sorry," she mutters.

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

"Where is she?" Rey sits up, arms shaking. Her breath hitches.

"Here." Ben nods down, and Rey sees why he hasn't been sitting up. Padmé's curled up on his chest.

Rey's terror melts away. She reaches for her daughter, lifting Padmé, who blinks sleepily.

"I think she's teething," Ben tells her. "Which explains a lot."

"Oh!" Rey sighs in relief. "Okay."

"What was your dream about?" he ventures.

Rey swallows. "The usual. Snoke. Taking Padmé. And I'm back there too, trapped." Watching Phasma die, again and again. Watching Ben come for her, only to die. Watching Ben throw her off a bridge, like he'd pushed his father, even though she knows he would never harm her.

Ben wraps his arms around her, drawing her towards him. He says nothing, because he's learned fairly quickly that Rey doesn't want words. Instead, he presses his chin against the top of her head.

But he has to know he stalks her nightmares, too.

Rey closes her eyes, remembering their wedding day. She wore an azure dress, her hair in its signature three buns, but interwoven with gold twine by Leia. And she kissed him on his lips, on his scarred face in front of Luke, Finn, Poe, and the entire Resistance, because she loves him.

 _You're a monster,_ she spat at him once.

Now, she doesn't see a monster, but his actions still haunt her dreams.

"I'll ask your mother if she has any advice for teething babies," Rey says, prying herself away from the warmth of his body.

"May I make a suggestion?" He nods to Padmé. "We may want to start introducing her to solid food."

A grin spreads across her face as she drops one shoulder of her nightdress. "What, you wouldn't like my chest all chewed up?"

"You put up with my face; I'd put up with your chest. But I don't think you want that kind of pain." He smirks.

"I can ask your mother or Luke to watch her for a little bit this afternoon," Rey suggests as Padmé smiles at her. "So we can have some time together."

"Yes, please." His lips flicker upwards, and then fall as if something's weighing on him.

"What's wrong?" Rey queries.

Ben shakes his head. "I'll tell you later, okay?"

"Sure." She changes Padmé and gets ready herself, heading to train with Luke in the morning—as much as their daughter allows her and Ben to train, although Finn, bless his soul, offers to watch his niece at times as well.

Her mother-in-law spends most of the day directing the Resistance, but in the afternoons, she tries to spend an hour or so with her family. This time, Leia confirms that her granddaughter's likely teething, and offers Padmé some small red fruits to play with, put in her mouth and gum on. "Have fun, kids," Leia calls, Padmé on her lap. "You have talked to Dr. Kalonia about—"

"We're fine," Ben calls, dragging Rey out of the room. Neither of them is eager for Rey to wind up pregnant again. Although Rey would like to have another kid. Eventually. When she's not so tired her bones ache.

But for now… she melts into Ben's touch, their breaths and their bodies syncing.

* * *

"You think Dameron and Wexley have really been successful?" questions Major Ematt.

"He says they have," Luke answers, glancing at Finn with a smile. "As successful as they're going to be at this point."

"He also says they found something that they'll need to debrief us on," Jess says. "What could that be?"

"Whatever it was, he clearly thinks it needs to be said in person," Finn points out.

"Do you think this could be it? We could actually wipe out the First Order for good?" asks Ematt.

"We'll never be able to do that," Luke insists. "Even if we do… something else will rise in its place."

"But we could buy a few years of peace," Ackbar counters.

"True." His father nods.

Finn shudders as he remembers his time with the First Order. How many more are like him? What would he think, if he was still a stormtrooper, if he heard Snoke and Hux and Kylo Ren were all gone?

He's not sure he likes the term _wipe out_ when it comes to dealing with the First Order. It sticks in the back of his throat like a slimy lump of food that he can't cough away.

"I'll notify you when they're landing," Ackbar confirms, and the room disperses.

"No kidding evil will rise," mutters one of the pilots, a blue creature named Shiv whom Finn remembers all too well from his attack on Ben months earlier as they leave. "We've got that monster and his spawn here."

"Don't talk about them like that," Finn snarls. "The General and Luke are the children of Darth Vader, and they're—"

He turns to Finn with a sneer. "Yeah, but they weren't raised by him. With that man raising her, poor baby's got no chance. She'll—"

"Excuse me?" Rey's voice interrupts. She crosses her arms, glaring at Shiv. "Don't _ever_ talk about my daughter that way. Or my husband."

"Rey—" Finn starts.

Chewie lets out a roar from behind them. The blue alien slips away from the enraged Wookiee.

Rey offers him a trembling smile as she slips by. "I've got to get Padmé from Leia's."

Luke sighs from behind Finn.

"I wish we could change their minds," Finn says to his father. "I changed. Ben has too. And Padmé—she's completely innocent."

"Prejudice isn't unique to the First Order," Luke comments, his hand on Finn's shoulder.

"Yeah, but it makes me wonder. Do they see me that way, too?" Finn thought they trusted him.

Luke shrugs. "You've proven yourself."

"So has Ben." And has he, really? Just because Ben's crimes were more well known and more severe than Finn's… "It's not fair." And he's scared for them. Not Ben or Rey so much, but for Padmé—if Ben's stories, the little Finn knows, about his childhood are true, isolation was key to pushing him into Snoke's arms. Do these pilots _want_ to create another Dark Force user? Because with their hatred, they might do just that.

 _No_. Finn won't let that happen to his niece. He loves her too much, the way she giggles, the way she recognizes him now, the way Ben and Rey dote upon her, terrified of parenthood though they still clearly are.

 _We'll figure it out. We have to_.

"Any advice, Grandfather?" Finn wonders out loud as he heads away, not that he expects the ghost to answer. Anakin's not entirely reliable or predictable in terms of showing up.

"Surprise, I'm here," comes Anakin's voice.

Finn yelps. Anakin crosses his arms. "Only briefly."

"Well, do you? Have advice? For Ben and your great-granddaughter?"

Anakin frowns, sorrow in his eyes. "Ben needs to figure that out himself."

Finn groans.

"He will, though," Anakin reassures Finn. "I believe it. So will you."

"So will I what?"

Anakin shrugs. "You'll see."

* * *

The moment Poe leaps out of his cockpit with BB-8 trilling behind him, he spots Finn, still clad in the jacket Poe gave him the day Finn saved him, the day Poe named him. Poe runs towards him, throwing his arms around Finn. He doesn't give a damn who's watching. He pulls Finn in, covering his mouth with his own.

"You're back," Finn breathes. "In one piece."

"No broken bones this time." Poe winks and then studies his boyfriend, Finn's dark brown eyes. He tries not to think of what he's learned on this trip, what he doesn't know quite how to tell Finn. Or Luke. Poe shudders as he imagines what Luke's reaction will be.

Chewie roars as he comes over to embrace Poe. C-3PO chatters with BB-8 and R2. Poe peers behind them to see Ben, Rey, and Padmé standing slightly aside from the others. He sighs as Rey approaches.

"How's the cutest baby in the world?" Poe coos, reaching for Padmé. "Chill, Ben. I'm not going to drop her again."

"Again?" Ben's face darkens.

"Kidding. I never have." Poe grins. "Oh my word, you're getting big," he says, hoisting Padmé up. She wrinkles her nose and starts to cry. "Oh crap, what'd I do?"

"She's teething," Rey interjects.

"Oh _no_." Poe reaches into his waistband and pulls out a wooden ring half the size of Padmé's head. "Chew on this." He grins at Rey. "I figured she'd start with that soon."

Even Ben smiles as Padmé grabs the ring and instantly begins gnawing at it.

"So what do you have for us?" Leia wants to know.

Snap glances at Poe and shrugs.

"It can wait," Poe tells Leia, his hand clasping Finn's. "It's not urgent. Not per se. BB-8 can put in the files, but we don't have to discuss it tonight. It's late."

"And you're… tired," Luke states, cocking his head.

 _Oh shit_. Poe grips Finn's hand. "Actually, yes, sir. I am."

Luke's stern façade breaks into a grin. "Get some rest."

Not that Poe plans on resting right away. First, he showers, and then he sinks into Finn's lips and embrace. When they finish, both trembling, Poe rests his head on Finn's chest and tries not to think about his travels, about what they found.

" _What's your name?"_

" _FN-2187!"_

" _FN—_ what?"

At the time, Poe thought that alone told him all he needed to know about what Finn's life was like.

It turns out, that wasn't even half of it. And Finn's not been terribly forthcoming, and now Poe knows why.

 _Dammit, calm down, Dameron._ He can't cry.

"What's wrong?" Finn asks the moment he sniffs.

He _could_ say he's just overly emotional at having arrived back home.

_It might be better if you tell Finn privately, before we inform everyone else, Snap suggested._

Poe turns, resting his chin on Finn's pecs. Finn peers down at him. "We came across some… disturbing things. In the remnants of the First Order."

Finn frowns. "Like what?"

"Like… places." _Not smooth._ "Places for… schools. Training facilities."

"Oh." Finn's breath hitches. "Those."

"Yeah." Poe rolls off of Finn, propping himself up on his elbow. "And we have a map. Showing where all of the… facilities… are."

"Good."

"We'll probably raid them."

"Good." But Finn isn't looking at him.

"We found out a little bit about their training methods. Beyond what you already told us—the chanting and videos and all."

Finn squeezes his eyes shut.

"Are you okay?"

Finn shrugs. "These are things that I—I don't like to—every so often, I think about it, Poe, and it strikes me just how crazy and messed up and awful it was, but if I think about it, it's like I can't do anything, you know? Until I stop thinking about it. But it's—"

"Simmering inside you?"

"Basically. Yeah." Finn clenches his fists. "We were taught to fight each other. The weak got left behind, got beat up. I always—I remember being four or five, and there was this kid on the ground, and she was bleeding, and I wanted to help her, but every time I went to help her, the commander would take a whip to me." He laughs, but it's hollow, a dropped rock echoing in an empty cavern. "Phasma always said empathy would be my undoing in the First Order."

"It kind of was," Poe acknowledges.

Finn smirks and runs his hands through Poe's hair. "Yeah. It was. But—it wasn't even just you. I wanted to help you, yeah, but I also just wanted to get away. I was _scared_."

"That's understandable."

"Yeah, but I—there are so many I didn't help, and I see their faces sometimes, at night. I hear everyone talking about killing the First Order, wiping it out, and I want its ideology, its practices, gone _too_ , but—" Finn shakes his head.

Poe waits, quiet and still. Not moving for the first time in weeks.

"We were only allowed to sleep for a few hours at a time. Then they'd wake us up. Sometimes six hours, other times two hours, or three. We'd never know. And if we complained, or if we cried—" Finn bites his lip. "They'd drag us up front. They'd call our number and everyone would watch as everyone else in our division took turns insulting them, and beating them, and—I took part in that, Poe. It happened to me once, and I was determined that it couldn't happen again, so I did it. I did it to others. But I always knew it was wrong."

"It's not your fault," Poe insists. "You know Snoke kidnapped you."

"Whose fault was it, though?" Finn asks, turning to face him, his eyes desperately searching Poe's. "The people training me had been through the same program from Hux's father. Who probably went through some hellish shit of his own. Whose fault was it? Where does the cycle stop?"

Poe's tongue sticks to his mouth. "I don't know."

"How did the kids react when you freed them?"

"Not… well." Poe gulps. "They're—pretty brainwashed."

"Not surprising." Finn sighs.

"We were hoping—maybe you could help. We're not sure how yet, but tomorrow, when we brief everyone—"

"They're bound to ask," Finn finishes for him. He sighs. "I'll try."

"You will?"

"Are you that surprised?" Finn snorts.

"No—not exactly. It's just—I'm impressed. You're brave." Poe's not sure he could revisit such a place, if Finn went through anything like what they'd found.

Finn shakes his head and traces Poe's collarbone. "When I helped you escape that time, what did you think?"

"A stormtrooper's helping me? What the hell?" Poe shakes his head. "But really… I'd given up at that point. I tried to tell myself I'd done the best I could, but Kylo Ren—he was too strong and I—that wasn't my fault." He swallows. "I thought I was a dead man, and then you came, and you offered me hope, and I—I had to grab it. Even if it didn't work out." He bites his lip. "And I thought you were pretty damn good looking. First time I'd ever seen a stormtrooper unmasked. And you were helping me, and I wanted to help you, so when you told me your name was FN-2187—I wanted to give you a new name."

"Finn's pretty good," Finn says with a small smile.

"Finn _Skywalker_ ," Poe teases. "Jedi in training."

"I love you," Finn says, and Poe closes his eyes.

"Do you want to get married?"

"Wait, what?"

 _Not smooth_ again. Poe could kick himself. He planned on doing this later. _Oh well_. "I—"

Finn takes Poe's face in his hands and kisses him. "Are you for real right now?"

"Well—um, yeah. I love you. I'd like to marry you."

Finn releases him and leans back with a smirk. "Sounds good to me."

"That's a yes?"

"Yes." And Finn laughs, pulling Poe on top of him again.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey," Ben greets his uncle as he enters Luke's sparse room. Not that he expected much in terms of decorations. His uncle dwells in solitude and simplicity.

"What's wrong?" Luke responds, taking a seat in a bare wooden chair.

Ben sits on the edge of the bed, tracing the coverlet. "How did you—"

"You're not subtle, and when you asked to talk, I knew it wasn't going to be about how happy you are." Luke crosses his arms. "Tell me."

"The other night—when Padmé was crying, I took her out so Rey could get some sleep—I took her for a walk like… like—like my father used to do with me." Ben gulps as he watches Luke's face twist in pain.

 _It will never stop. The wound you caused will bleed forever_.

"What am I going to tell her?" he blurts out. "That's what Ackbar asked me. So many people here—they still think I'm a monster. I was. I admit that. But what am I going to tell my daughter? That I _murdered_ her grandfather? Along with—who knows how many other people, _innocent_ people?" He's clenching his fists, and his knuckles ache.

"Ben," Luke sighs, wincing as he climbs to his feet and puts an arm around his nephew. "You're going to tell her the truth, of course."

He shakes his head, sparks flying inside and burning him. "What kind of burden is that for a child, though?"

"One I _wish_ Rey's grandfather had told me," Luke says softly.

 _Oh._ "What _did_ you think? When you found out?" Ben asks, studying his uncle's face.

"Well, I found out the wrong way. From Darth Vader himself, after he sliced off my hand," Luke quips, holding out his cybernetic hand. "In truth, Ben? I was horrified. And then I knew that I loved him. I spent my entire childhood wondering about him, and now that I knew—I couldn't leave him to that fate, the fate Obi-Wan and Yoda were convinced he couldn't escape. He was my father, and I loved him and I _had_ to believe he loved me, even if there wasn't much evidence for it, because—because the alternative was too damn horrible to think about. It might have been foolish, but it worked out. And in his last moments, he saved me." He grips Ben's hand with his cybernetic one. "When you tell Padmé, she'll have a million questions. She won't like the answers. She'll probably throw it in your face at some point, but you—you love her. Rey loves both of you. And Padmé will love you too, even if she's angry with you, as I'm sure she will be."

Ben bites his lip. He thinks of the conversations he's had with Finn as Finn kneels on the floor, playing with Padmé, the moments Finn's confessed to Rey that he's struggling not to be angry at Luke, even though he knows what happened was not Luke's fault, and finding out Luke is his father is hardly horrifying.

And Rey understands, because abandonment chafes at both of them. And at Ben too, because abandonment comes in more colors and forms that simple absence.

Padmé won't be abandoned. Never. Ben will not send his daughter away, and Rey agrees.

"Should we go to the meeting?" Ben manages at last.

Luke nods, squeezing Ben's shoulder.

The Resistance gathers in a small room with a hologram map— _the_ map of the entire galaxy. BB-8 whirs at Ben as he enters. He glares at the droid, which happily stings him for no good reason.

"Control your droid, cousin," Ben orders Finn as BB-8 slips behind Finn's legs.

"Oh, he's not mine," Finn insists. "He's just my fiancé's."

"Your what?" Rey shrieks, balancing a babbling Padmé on her hip.

Finn winks as Poe flushes, but takes Finn's hand. Ben grins.

"Oh, really?" Luke drawls, leaning his elbow on Poe's shoulder.

"Uh, yes sir," Poe squeaks. "I love him."

Luke studies Poe's face. "Good."

"I totally thought he was going to pull some kind of Jedi mind probe," Poe exhales.

"Mind probes are of the Dark Side," Finn corrects Poe.

"I _have_ seen inside your mind," Ben teases Poe. "It's a scary place."

Poe narrows his eyes. "Why are all you Skywalkers threatening me?"

"Apparently it's what they do," Rey puts in. "Kenobis don't stoop that low."

"Didn't Obi-Wan cut off Anakin's limbs?" Ben asks.

"Self-defense." Rey stands on tip-top to plant a kiss on Ben's cheek, and then one on a sleepy Padmé's. BB-8 purrs.

"Keep her awake if you can," Ben mutters to Rey. "If we want to sleep tonight."

Rey grimaces. "I'll do my best."

"All right," announces Mother as she strides into the room. "Let's get started. Dameron, Wexley, what have you found?"

Poe glances at Finn, who swallows but nods. "We've found a map with several training facilities. For First Order stormtroopers. Some of them are just kids, babies really."

"We can arrange for adoptions, if possible," Leia says, crossing her arms.

"Babies and toddlers, maybe," Ackbar points out. "But what about the older children?"

"It's a legitimate concern," Poe admits. "Some of them—many of them—are still, you know, brainwashed. And even if they weren't, we don't know..."

"Who would want them," Snap finishes, his eyes skittering towards Finn, who stands with his arms crossed and jaw locked.

Luke puts his hand on Finn's shoulder, and Ben copies him. _You're not alone_. It still baffles him how his cousin was a stormtrooper under him, and he never knew it. _I'm so sorry._

"What about you?" Statura asks Ben. "Any ideas? You worked for them long enough—"

Ben shakes his head. "That was Hux's program. I didn't work with it." _I hated it._ He never went to a training facility, because he never wanted to see the faces of children who were scared, who were being primed for a purpose they couldn't fully comprehend—just like he was when his parents, even with the best of intentions, sent him to Luke's.

"Finn's probably the one who would know best," Rey puts in.

"Didn't Hux try to brainwash you? When you were captured?" quizzes Ematt.

Rey shifts her daughter in her arms. "Yes, but it didn't work."

"I don't think breaking them out of years of conditioning is going to be easy," Finn says softly. "They've been trained not to show compassion. They believe in the cause of the First Order. Hearing that Snoke and Hux are gone—they _won't_ believe that. They think the Republic, and the Resistance—you're all liars to them." He stares at his shoes.

"Maybe if you go to them, Finn—" Jess starts.

"That might be kind of traumatic," Poe snaps.

"I can go," Finn interrupts, smiling at Poe but without any light in his eyes. "I can. To the nearest place. And then we'll see."

"If you're going, I'm going with you," Luke declares.

"That would probably be best," Ackbar acknowledges. "Are these facilities still running?"

"Yeah. The troopers in charge are convinced Snoke and Hux aren't really gone."

Mother turns to him. "What about Kylo Ren?"

"What _about_ Kylo Ren?" Ben clenches his fists again. Rey glances at him and slips Padmé into his arms, whether so he appears less threatening in the face of the unnecessary reminder of who he is, or because her arms are really tired, Ben doesn't know. He clutches his daughter like she's his lifeline. She mews and leans against his shoulder.

"They might believe a transmission from Kylo Ren."

"My guess is they presume Kylo Ren is dead," Poe interjects. "Seeing as they haven't heard of him in over a year. Plus, if he wasn't really involved in the stormtrooper program—"

"Kylo Ren _is_ dead," Ben insists, even as the anger welling inside him whispers _liar_. Rey puts her hand on his hip.

"We know," Rey tells him.

"I don't think it's even so much about belief," Finn states. "They _need_ to believe the First Order's continuing, because _that's been their life._ Kylo Ren appearing and telling them it's over won't really help."

"So how can we show them?" Ackbar demands.

"We can't," Finn says. "But we can show them we mean them no harm. That we're—or we could be—friends."

* * *

"Anything you need before you depart?" Leia asks.

Poe shakes his head. Finn, Poe, Luke, and BB-8 plan to leave in the morning.

"Well, let me know. You are, I understand, soon to be my nephew-in-law." Leia smiles. "Your parents would be thrilled."

"Where's your father?" Poe jokes. "We can ask him to double-check." He raises his hands. "Not that I have any doubts."

"I didn't think you did."

A group of Resistance members pass by where Finn is crouched on the ground, rolling a ball to a giggling Padmé. Several of them look to the child with less than benevolent expressions.

Poe clears his throat. "Actually, I do have an idea. Not really a need, but a suggestion."

"Shoot." Leia waves her hand. "You've earned the right to speak your mind, Dameron. Long ago."

"Well… I know Chewie's planning on leaving to visit Maz and Lando on Takodana. If you can convince Ben and Rey to go there too—if we do wind up needing something from them, it might be easier if they don't have to deal with the brouhaha—"

"Plus it might be good for them to get away," Leia finishes. "Although, Poe, Ben's promised to stay on D'Qar. He can't just leave."

He's not a prisoner, but he's not quite free. Poe sighs.

"I've an idea, though," Leia says. "We'll ask Chewie to postpone his visit, and Maz and Lando to come visit _us_." She frowns after he crowd. "We might need them."

Finn tosses Poe a small smile as Padmé starts to cry. Finn rolls the ball back and she stops and giggles.

"Do you ever wish you could just run away from it all?" Poe asks Leia.

"Your parents had that exact wish," Leia says quietly. "They retired to spend time with you." Mist clouds her eyes. "I won't deny that there's a part of me that wonders… what might have happened. If Han and I had done the same." She shakes her head.

Han might still be alive. Or not. Poe remembers how Snoke manipulated Ben from the time he was a child—a child Padmé's size. Bile surges up Poe's throat as he watches Finn sweep the little girl up in his arms. Ben thought he was a murderer by the age of eight.

How many of the stormtroopers in training believe the same thing?

"But now, you don't want to?" Poe chokes out.

"No, you can't put that in your mouth, Padmé," Finn says as the baby starts to wail. Rey darts over.

"I do, but I don't know whether I can. Not yet." Leia blinks. "I feel like I have an obligation to uphold. To the Resistance. Then again, that's what I felt thirty-plus years ago, too." _And look where it got me,_ her words echo.

But she won't leave, Poe knows. Not until the Resistance agrees to let Ben live in peace.

Before, she stayed and lost her son because of it. Now, she stays to save her son.

* * *

"Are you going to be okay?" Luke queries, watching as Finn paces the _Millennium Falcon._

He nods, rubbing his arms. "Try again?"

BB-8 and R2 both rise in the air. Finn smirks and sets them down.

"Good job," Luke tells him.

Clearly his father can tell he's distracted, though. Finn leans against the bunk, memories storming his brain. Memories he's told Poe, in snippets, and memories he's kept locked away in the dark, memories he's not quite sure he wants his father to know, or even Poe.

 _What if Snoke did win, in the end?_ Finn wonders as he stares at his hands. Snoke hadn't thought he had the Force, but now that he does—will confronting this demon of his childhood drive him to the dark or into the light?

He doesn't know. He doesn't want to know.

 _Maybe Snoke didn't underestimate you after all. You_ are _weak_.

"Finn?" Luke questions.

"Hey." Poe emerges from the cockpit as if he somehow sensed that Finn needed him. "Done training?"

"Yeah, for right now," Finn says quickly.

BB-8 bloops.

"He says you're doing well," Poe report, giving the droid a thumbs-up.

"When do we get there?" Finn asks.

"Another day." Poe pulls Finn closer and kisses him. "It'll be all right," he whispers in Finn's ear. "Somehow."

 _I hope you're right, Poe,_ Finn wishes.

 _Was_ this _what you meant, Anakin?_

* * *

"What if it's not a cold? What if it's an infection? From her teething?"

"It is _not_ an infection," Rey insists. "Dr. Kalonia said so. Relax, Ben." She cradles Padmé. "It'll be all right, sweetheart. Just sleep."

Ben drags his hands through his hair and glares about their room as if he'd like very much to smash some of the walls with his lightsaber.

A knock sounds against the door. Rey jumps.

"I know you're all in there!" Lando's voice comes muffled. "If you need to put clothes on, I'll wait—"

Ben rolls his eyes as he yanks the door open.

" _There_ you are," Lando declares, stepping in and clapping Ben on the back. "Miss me?"

Ben's childish, lopsided grin flashes over his face. Rey smiles to herself. "Yeah."

"How's the princess?"

"A little sick," Rey answers, laying Padmé down in her crib. "Sniffly. And she's teething, so—"

"So neither of you are sleeping." Lando rolls his eyes. "I may not have ever had kids, but I've been around them before. Namely, you." He nods at Ben.

Chewie snuffles as he comes into the room, embracing Lando.

"Maz come with you?" Rey questions.

"Yeah." Lando glances around. "She wants to talk to you, Rey."

"I'll stay with her," Ben assures Rey. Not that she expected him to leave Padmé. His worry's embedded in his face.

"Rey Kenobi!" Maz greets her down the hallway. "Or is it Rey Solo?" She winks.

"Both work." Rey's still just grateful to have a family to call hers. _Two_ families, now.

Maz winks. "How have you been?"

"I've been…" Rey blows her breath out. There's no use concealing it from Maz. "I have nightmares. About Padmé—that I'm working, and I'm old, and then she shows up and I realize I forgot about her and I left her." Tears grab at Rey's voice. "And I dream Snoke has her, Snoke has me—"

"And that Snoke has Kylo Ren," Maz supplies.

She nods. "I know it's all a lie, but when I dream about it—I feel so guilty. For dreaming it. Like it's not fair, because it's _not_ fair to him. I don't have any fears about that when I'm awake; really I don't. He loves me and I know it—I just—I don't know _why_ I keep having these dreams."

"Oh, child," Maz says with a sigh. "You went through—those months Snoke had you—that was terrifying for you. Ben knows it." She clasps Rey's hands. "You should tell him."

"That I dream he's a monster? That would _destroy_ him."

"It's destroying _you_ already," Maz points out. "You don't have to do everything alone."

 _I can walk!_ she'd snarled when she realized she was going into labor.

 _I know. But you don't have to,_ Ben had answered at the time, sweeping her into his arms.

Rey shrugs. She's used to having to do things on her own—deal with her abandonment, with the nightmares she used to have on Jakku, comforted only by dreams of an ocean, and an island.

But Ben's her husband, and she trusts him. She wants to.

When Rey gets back to her room, she finds Chewie, Lando, and Ben all laughing about something with Padmé sleeps soundly next to Ben. _Of course he didn't leave her in her crib,_ Rey thinks wryly.

"Rey—are you—" Ben can clearly notice her reddened eyes.

"Can I talk to you?" she requests. "Alone?"

"Sure thing." Lando nods to them both as he and Chewie lumber out.

"What's wrong?" Ben grabs her by the arms, leading her back to the bed.

"It's—I was just talking to Maz, and she asked how I was, and I told her about the nightmares." Rey sniffs.

"Oh, Rey." Ben clasps the back of her head, fingers weaving in-between the buns. "I'm sorry." _For you,_ Rey realizes as she sinks into his mind.

Rey withdraws and gulps. "Can you look in my mind?"

"Why?"

She shakes her head, covering her eyes. "I don't want to say it out loud."

Rey can sense his trepidation as he enters. She's not resisting, and it doesn't hurt as he wanders around, as he sees her dreams. Her chest throbs even though her mind is clear, because she knows she's hurting him, and she hates that.

When he pulls away, Rey grabs him in her arms, pressing her face against his shoulder. He wraps her up in his arms, squeezing her against him. She feels his body shuddering, feels his chin press against the top of her head.

"I love you," she chokes out.

"I know," he manages, lifting her chin with his hands to face him. "I _do_ know, Rey."

"But if I'm having dreams—I know they don't mean anything, I do—but you don't deserve that."

Ben leans down so that his forehead presses into hers. "And that's exactly how I know it. You feel badly thinking about me that way." His voice trembles. "Most people are more than happy to."

"You're not mad at me?"

"I'm mad that I did all that," Ben says. "And that I let—that I didn't find you sooner. It still kills me that it was almost too late."

"But it wasn't too late." Rey swallows.

"True." Ben shakes his head. "Rey, you know you can tell me these things. I want to be here for you. I love you."

Rey shrugs. "I know—it's just—I'm so used to doing it all by myself. Keeping myself going. And I can't do that anymore."

"I'm here."

"I know." She presses her lips against his.

Ben moans. "Do you think she'll wake up?"

"Probably," Rey says, pulling his shirt up. "We can try, though."

He seizes her, kissing her with a new intensity.

* * *

"Where is the training place?" Finn asks as they disembark into what looks like a steaming forest. It reminds him of King Prana's planet, and he cringes at the memory. Hopefully there aren't any rampaging nexus here.

"This way." Poe glances at him. "You were—never at this one?"

Finn shakes his head. Together, the three of them and two droids tramp through the woods, trekking uphill.

"Stop!" calls out a small, high-pitched voice.

 _Shit_.

A small girl, hair dark and skin tawny, steps out from behind a tree, wielding a blaster as long as her torso. It shakes in her hand. "Who are you?"

"We're—" Poe glances at Finn, at Luke.

It's no use. The girl spots the lightsaber hilt in Luke's hand and shrieks. "A Jedi!"

"Calm down," Finn says, holding out his hand as he steps in front of his father. "We're not going to hurt you."

R2 blips nervously.

The weapon trembles in her grip. She's got to be what, five? Six? Seven, maybe?

"Can you put the blaster down?" Finn requests.

"No." She whirls towards Poe, aiming the weapon, but the movement and the bulky shape prove too much for her. It slips from her grasp, crashing onto a stone.

"Hey—"

The girl throws her hands in front of her face as if terrified that they'll now shoot her. She races through the trees.

"Hey!" Poe turns to them. "I'll go after her. You—get to the center. You have the map, Luke." And then he's gone, BB-8 streaming after him.

"Is that a good idea?" Finn hollers after him.

"She doesn't have a weapon any more," Luke reminds him. "Do you think she can even go back?"

"Not if she doesn't want to get the shit kicked out of her," Finn comments bitterly. He kicks at the blaster. He clears his throat. "If she found us, there are bound to be more. The rest of her division."

R2 bleeps sadly, as if apologizing to Finn.

"How many in a division?" Luke asks as Finn starts climbing up again.

"It depends on how many haven't made it this far. They're young, so probably it's large. But you never know. There were only four who made it from the FN division." Finn gulps as he remembers Slip, and Nines… both dead now.

 _As for how we made it…_ Finn doesn't want Luke to ask. He doesn't want his father to know. He has to know, or at least have guessed.

_Yes, I was cruel when I had to be._

_But I hated it._

Does that count for _anything?_

He didn't often have to be. He succeeded in other ways. The few moments he remembers convinced Finn that he didn't want to be like that, but no one ever understood.

"Put your hands up," interrupts a brittle voice. Another kid, pale-skinned and fair-haired, points a blaster at both Luke and Finn, and this kid's hands aren't shaking.

* * *

"Hey!" Poe cries after the kid. " _Hey!"_

There she is. A flash between trees. Poe lunges, but the girl trips over a root and screams.

"Are you okay?" Poe exclaims, reaching for her. She tries to kick him, but Poe dodges her foot. "Easy. I'm not—"

"You're with the Resistance, aren't you?" she spits at him.

BB-8 whirs up behind Poe, speeding past him towards the girl. He bleeps at her. She frowns.

"He says hi," Poe offers.

"It's a droid. It just does what you tell it to."

 _The droid or you?_ Poe wonders. "Nah, BB-8 does what it wants when it can. It's friendly."

"It's a droid," the girl repeats.

BB-8 chirps and sticks out a fiery thumb. The girl gasps. BB-8 chatters.

"He says not to worry," Poe informs her.

"Why did you come here?" the girl asks, getting to her feet. Poe stays crouching down.

"That guy I was with—the younger one—he's my boyfriend. And he was a stormtrooper too. But he left, and he's—"

"He _left?_ Why? That doesn't make sense." The girl's eyes dart around the trees, the mossy grass, several mauve flowers blooming from a vine cover a tree.

"It's a long story. He'll probably tell you it. His name's Finn."

The girl steps back.

"What's your number?" Poe asks. "His was FN-2187. Now he goes by Finn."

"SN-3237," the girl recites.

Poe wants to give her a name right here, right now. But he knows that would send her running. Instead, he reaches to the tree next to him and plucks a flower, holding it out to her.

"What am I s'pposed to do with _that?"_ she demands.

 _Um—_ Poe shrugs. He reaches towards her and she flinches, but lets him put it behind her ear.

"No!" SN yanks it down and stomps on the flower. When she looks at him again, her eyes are overflowing with tears, but she's not running. "We're not _s'pposed_ to—"

"Okay then," Poe says quickly, grabbing another flower. "How 'bout you put it in my hair, then?"

She doesn't quite smile, but her lips curve slightly. She takes the flower and pushes it behind his ear. She giggles.

"Does it look all right?" Poe asks her, winking.

"It looks stupid." But now she's definitely smiling.

"SN-3237!" A shout rings out, and Poe freezes.

"Good work," says an older stormtrooper, a teenager, who aims a blaster at Poe. SN steps back, her eyes wide.

Poe manages to smile at her again, even as his heart sinks and the stormtrooper drags him away.


	3. Chapter 3

Ben wakes up the next morning with Rey curled against him. Padmé actually only woke up twice during the night, and neither time for more than thirty minutes.

She opens her eyes when Ben approaches her crib, reaching her chubby arms up for him. _She wants me._

Ben swallows and reaches down, picking her up. She gurgles and Ben checks her mouth. The small white tooth is starting to protrude more prominently.

"C'mere." Ben grabs a small jar of small grains. He pours a few of them on the floor, setting Padmé down. He eats one. Padmé reaches for one, crushing it with her fingers.

"No." Ben smiles and picks one up, trying to put it in her mouth. Padmé wrinkles her nose and jerks away.

_Dammit._

"Here," Ben says, levitating several of them with the Force. Padmé's eyes widen and she follows the floating grains. Ben drops one in her small palm. She puts it in her mouth.

 _Yes_. "Good girl," Ben croons as his daughter gums on the grain. "You wanted to do it yourself, didn't you?"

 _She's gonna be just like Rey,_ Ben thinks.

"Are you Force feeding my child?" Rey asks sleepily.

"I'm using the Force to manipulate her into thinking grains are interesting enough to chew on," Ben reports, levitating a few more.

Rey laughs and slips down onto the floor.

"Sleep well?" Ben asks her.

She nods. "No nightmares."

"Good." He watches Padmé take another one.

_You ruin everyone. Your mother's life. Rey's tormented by Snoke because of you. You'll ruin Padmé's._

_No_. Rey loves him. Mother loves him. Father loves him.

"Don't do that to yourself," Rey says. "Did you have nightmares? Because I know you do, too."

"Not last night," Ben admits, grateful to Rey for flaying him open again. He can't hide from her. He doesn't want to.

"Hey!" Someone pounds on their door. Rey snatches the baby as Ben hurries over.

"Hey," Lando greets them. "You need to come. Right now."

"Is it Luke and Finn? And Poe?"

Lando nods.

"Shit." Ben scrambles to get dressed and races out the door with Rey beside him. The Resistance gathers in a room.

"They were supposed to check in last night," Mother reports. "They didn't, and we can't reach them."

Chewie moans.

"It is a hostile planet, presumably," Ackbar reminds them.

"They were supposed to land away from civilization and avoid detection—"

"Yeah, but they weren't supposed to _stay_ incognito," retorts Major Ematt. "We should send a team to investigate."

"Rey should go," Jess Pava puts in. "She's got the Force. They might need that."

Chewie grumbles and puts his hand on Rey's shoulder. _If she goes, I go._

"I can go with her," Ben suggests, knowing what the response will be and not giving a damn. He doesn't want Rey to have to do this by herself. "I have the Force, too."

"Yeah, we're aware," snaps another resistance member.

"Seriously, he hasn't done anything in a year, minus that one incident where he tried to rescue Rey on his own," Snap says. " _Why_ don't we trust him?"

"Hey, I even fought him on that occasion," Jess says. "He's not Kylo Ren. I trust him."

Ben gapes at her.

"Well, I don't," counters Shiv.

"I can watch Padmé," Leia suggests. "I'd love to spend time with my grandchild."

* * *

"Ouch!" Poe slams into the floor on his elbow. He winces.

"Poe!" Finn races over to him, lifting him up. "Are you hurt?"

"No." Poe shakes his head and relief floods Finn. "Just my funny bone." He glances at the shut metal door, biting his lip. "Why didn't you guys use the Force?"

"They're _kids_ ," Finn points out.

"Exactly," Luke confirms.

"So, can we use the Force to get out of here?"

"Why don't we wait and see?" Luke suggests.

"They're scared," Finn says softly. He tries to imagine what it would be like for him, if he was still a part of the First Order, for everything to have fallen apart. If it had happened when he was a child…

These past few months, Finn's thought that if only the First Order had fallen when he was younger, he might have found a happier life. But if everything he was being trained to be, everything he was invested in, was suddenly gone—what would have been left?

"Do you have any ideas?" Poe prompts, studying Finn.

"I don't _know_ what to tell them," Finn says. "It's like—if we were to find out the Resistance was gone, and we were the only ones left, and the First Order showed up and said they wanted to help us. How the hell would we respond?"

Poe groans.

"I don't know that we can help them unless they want to be helped," Finn says, pushing the words he doesn't want to say into the air. He leans his head against the metal wall. It's too smooth.

"Did you ever want to leave? When you were younger?" Luke queries.

 _What's the right answer here_? Finn doesn't even know what the truth is.

Poe reaches out and takes his hand, squeezing it. _Even if the answer's no, it won't affect how Poe sees you. Who you are today._

"I don't know," Finn admits. "I don't think so. I do remember—I always felt different. I wanted to help people. Some learned to like cruelty, to enjoy it, and even those who didn't learned to tolerate it as something necessary. I tried to think it was necessary, but it never worked. But I remember wishing it had. I _wished_ I could be cruel, could be what the First Order wanted me to be. And at the same time, I wanted the First Order to be what I wanted it to be." He snorts. "That doesn't make any sense."

"I think it does," Luke says, studying Finn with guilt inscribed in his forehead, in the grimace holding his mouth.

"But essentially what you're saying," Poe muses. "Is that there are degrees in how the stormtroopers feel about—about everything. They're people, still."

"Yeah." Finn nods, and Poe leans his head against Finn's shoulder.

The door to the cell slides open.

The little girl from the woods stares at them.

"SN!" Poe yelps.

"SN?" Luke questions.

"SN-3237," the girl recites.

"Are you taking us someplace?" Poe asks.

She shakes her head.

"Are our droids okay?"

"Yeah." She focuses on Finn. "Are you the one he was talking about? Who used to be with us?"

Finn nods. "My number was FN-2187." He jerks his head towards Poe. "Until this one named me Finn."

"Why did you betray us?" The word _betray_ sounds so cumbersome, so ugly, coming from the child's lips.

"They were going to kill him," Finn says, rising to a crouch and nodding again at Poe. "I couldn't let them."

"Why not?"

"He might have been an enemy, but he was nice too. And I didn't want to hurt people."

"Why not?" she repeats.

"Because I was scared, and I didn't want to make what people were afraid of happen," Finn says.

 _The villagers screaming, so afraid of dying_. He hears them still. And he sees others, accepting, calm in the face of their fear. _That's never been me_.

"Aren't you scared?" Poe asks the girl.

She backs away, her eyes wide. But when the door shuts, Finn and Luke exchange a glance. They know she'll be back.

* * *

"Stay safe," Jess says to Rey, waving as she jogs off.

Rey can't deny that she's nervous about leaving her daughter here. She hasn't been away from Padmé for longer than a few hours since she had her.

_You'll come back._

What if she doesn't? What if something happens, and they leave Padmé alone in the world? _Padmé needs you._

_So do Luke, Finn, and Poe._

"Rey?"

She turns around to see a golden droid tottering towards her. "3PO? Has there been any—"

"Nothing from Master Luke, I'm afraid." The droid sighs. "Or R2. But I think you ought to know. I overheard some concerning conversations regarding Master Ben and your daughter."

"What?" Rey's heart stills in her chest.

"Some members of the Resistance are not fully convinced that Master Ben isn't interested in declaring himself the new Supreme Leader of the First Order, after Master Luke and Finn are out of the way."

"Are they insane?" Rey demands, fury lashing through her. "Ben doesn't want—"

The droid waves its arms, which flash in the sunlight. "I know, but that's what they've been saying. They don't want him to go with you, and they have a plan to keep him here."

Rey grabs 3PO by his metal shoulder. "What plan?"

"I left before they could say, but it involved Padmé."

"Shit!" Terror ignites inside her as she spins on her heel and races towards her room. She yanks her lightsaber out of her waistband, flashing it on. _Ben. Padmé._

 _Nothing will happen to you, sweet baby,_ she'd promised when Padmé was born.

What if circumstances makes her a liar, just like her mother?

 _No!_ Rey surges down the hallway and bursts into their room.

No one.

_Where are you, Ben?_

Rey closes her eyes, focusing on each breath, on the painful way her chest quivers as she breathes in and breathes out. She _needs_ to find them, warn them—

Chewie groans from the doorway. _Are you okay?_

Rey whirls around to face him. "Chewie, where are Ben and Padmé?"

 _They went for a walk,_ Chewie tells her. _By the ships._

"Okay," Rey gasps. "Chewie, I need you to find Leia immediately—tell her—tell her that Threepio said that they're planning on—some Resistance members—who don't trust Ben—they want to use Padmé—I don't know what for but that's enough, isn't it?"

Chewie roars as Rey darts past, heading outside. Groups of pilots gape at her as she runs with her blue saber sparking. _How many of you?_ Rey thinks furiously. In this moment, she hates them.

"Rey?" Lando calls after her. She can tell from his footsteps that he's following. _Good_. She can count on Lando to carry a blaster at all times.

A flash of orange. Rey sees a pilot fly through the air. "Ben!" she screams, leaping around the corner and seeing Ben half-kneeling, his lightsaber aimed in his left arm and his right arm at the blue alien, Shiv.

Who's holding a sobbing Padmé.

"Bastard!" Lando shouts, aiming the blaster, but he can't fire the gun for the same reason Ben can't use the Force or his lightsaber. Padmé is Shiv's shield, and an effective one. "Threatening a baby? How long can you possibly—"

"I'm not going to harm her," snarls Shiv as Rey creeps up behind him. She sees Ben's eyes focus on her. "I just—he cannot be allowed to go on this mission! He's a menace!"

"It's probably safer for her to be with us anyways," wheezes the pilot whose name Rey doesn't know, the one Ben sent flying with the Force. "We know how _he_ regards family."

Ben visibly flinches. "Don't take her—"

Rey pauses, half-hidden by the wings of an X-wing. She holds her hand out. _Forgive me, Luke_.

Shiv starts to gasp as his airway tightens. Rey scrambles closer and jabs her saber close to the side of his face, the same way Kylo Ren did to her in the Takodana forest. _"Give me back my daughter."_

Gurgling, Shiv's grip loosens, and Rey snatches Padmé away as a howling Chewie arrives with Leia, Maz, and a whole groups of red-faced, enraged Resistance members behind him.

"Great job," Lando tells Rey as Chewie lunges, grabbing Shiv and thrusting him against the side of the X-Wing. Ben aims his lightsaber at the other pilot, who cowers on the pavement.

Padmé screams against Rey's shoulders, clutching her as if she knew that something terrible almost happened. Rey's lightsaber snaps off, and she clutches Padmé in both of her arms. "You're safe. You're safe," she repeats, as much to herself as to Padmé.

"Rey—I—" Ben staggers over to her, his face white.

"What happened?" she demands, tears tearing at her voice.

"I thought—he came and he asked to let bygones be bygones—he asked about the mission—he asked to hold her and I said no, but then he kept asking and I—" Ben's face crumples. "If I hadn't wanted him to trust me so badly, I wouldn't have let him—I almost—"

" _Don't,"_ Rey snaps. "Ben. It's not your fault. He's a liar and he tricked you."

"She's okay?" Ben gasps.

"Scared, I think." Rey smooths Padmé's thick hair. "She'll be okay. She has to be." And Rey breaks down as Ben wraps his arms around them both.

Three hours pass, and Leia's still furious but determined. "You three need to go," she tells them. "If you plan to rescue the others."

Rey does not want to leave Padmé, but she sees the steel rage in Leia's eyes and hopes that she can rely on the woman.

"We'll handle things," Lando declares grimly.

"We won't let her out of our sight, or arms," Maz promises, taking Rey's hand. "I do need to give you something, though."

"What's that?" Rey gulps and follows Maz out of the room.

"These. I found them with Dr. Kalonia." Maz hands Rey dark, folded garments. Kylo Ren's outfit.

 _Why?_ Rey shakes her head.

"I think it may come in handy," Maz says

* * *

"She gave you _what?"_ Ben can't believe what his eyes are telling him. _No, no, no_.

"She said it might help."

"I _don't_ think they'll listen to Kylo Ren," he insists, glaring at his wife as she and Chewie pilot the quadjumper.

"Well, we'll never know until you bloody try. We might not even have other options." Rey's voice catches. "I can't lose Luke and Finn and Poe, Ben."

"You think I _can?"_

Rey shakes her head. "Ben. I know you're scared. But _please_."

"I'm scared because there's still darkness in me, Rey! You know that. I can't—if I go back into that mindset—I'm trying to distance myself from it. For Padmé. For my mother. For _you_."

"Oh yeah, because trying to prove yourself to be exactly what people want you to be has worked really well," Rey snaps. "Try being who you are for a change. And Kylo Ren is part of your history whether you like it or not. Being abandoned is part of mine, and I hate it, but it's _there_. We're not getting anywhere by pretending it doesn't exist."

Ben closes his eyes.

 _Like it or not, Padmé_ will _find out._

Chewie snuffles. Evidently he agrees with Rey. Ben's eyes fly open, and he looks at the Wookiee, unable to understand. _You'll be looking at me like I'm my father's murderer again._

_I'll look like I did that night._

_Rey fell in love with you when you still dressed like that. It's just clothing. You were different inside, and that's what mattered._

"Fine," he relents.

Rey leaps up and grabs his hand. " _Thank_ you." _It's our best chance for getting everyone out alive. Getting back to Padmé_ , he hears her thinking.

Ben shrugs out of his vest and shirt, slipping Kylo Ren's dark robes back on. Rey raises her eyebrows as he changes.

"Aren't you supposed to be piloting?"

"You're distracting me," she teases.

Ben finishes and heads over to her. "Aren't you scared?"

Rey bites at the inside of her cheeks. "I'm not particularly thrilled about having to deal with the First Order again."

Chewie growls.

"Thanks."

As they land, Ben clutches his lightsaber. Rey focuses on landing them.

"There's the _Falcon_ ," Ben points out.

"I see it." Rey grimaces. They glide to the ground in another small clearing, albeit taking a few trees down with them.

Chewie groans as he stands up, gripping Ben's shoulder and looking at him not as a monster, but as someone he trusts.

_I hope this crazy plan actually works._

They don't even make it to the _Falcon_ before tiny stormtroopers swarm them, blasters raised. All three of them raise their hands.

"Who are you?" demands a small boy, blond and freckled.

"Kylo Ren," he says, and he is. He's Ben Solo, but Kylo Ren is a part of him he can't exorcise, not ever.

" _What?"_

"You're not Kylo Ren," declares a girl. "He's dead."

What is he even supposed to say? "Not quite." Ben spots a downed branch and levitates it. "Now escort us to your leaders."

"You're _Kylo Ren,"_ breathes the first boy, eyes wide and jaw hovering open. Not in horror.

In… _respect?_ Awe?

Ben doesn't know if he should feel horrified or relieved, or if he should feel any way at all other than what he _does_ feel, which is a mixture of both.

"Who are _they?"_ the girl asks, nodding to Rey and Chewie.

"My wife, and an old friend," Ben answers. "Take us to your leaders. Now." He strides after the troopers in training, who scuttle to obey. He feels Rey behind him, even though he can't see her. He flexes his hands, looks at the black gloves. They don't fit quite right, not anymore, and yet he's still unnerved that they don't feel even more out of place.

Rey lets out a gasp as they emerge from the forest to see a small girl, hair dark and skin bronze, talking to BB-8 and R2.

"SN-3237!" barks the boy. "What are you up to?"

SN-3237 shrinks. "I was just following orders."

"Whose?"

"Never mind," Ben interjects. "She'll follow Kylo Ren's orders, won't she?" He studies the girl. "Take the droids and take Rey—" He motions to her. "—to the cells where you've kept the Resistance members. Follow her instructions from there."

SN-3237 nods.

Ben glances behind him at Chewie, who nods at him. He trusts me.

Ben just hopes he doesn't get them all killed, because he has no plan, and no ideas.

* * *

"I didn't know Kylo Ren was married," remarks SN-3237 as she leads Rey along, the droids bleeping and following.

"It's a recent thing," Rey mutters. She looks at the girl and sees Finn, and she wants to scream and cry.

"They're in here." SN-3237 stops.

"How old are you?" Rey questions.

"Six."

Rey clenches her jaw. _This is so wrong_. "Open the cell."

"Rey!" shrieks Finn.

"You're not with the First Order?" SN-3237 gapes at her, as if she's a traitor, a liar.

"No." Rey shakes her head and grasps the girl's hands, kneeling down as Poe and Luke slip out of the cell, both relieved to find their droids unharmed. "Kylo Ren isn't either. Not anymore. He was born by the name of Ben Solo, and he went to join the Resistance."

The girl gasps. "But—"

"Do you really think we're monsters?" Finn questions, crouching down beside Rey.

"N-no."

"Not everyone in the Resistance is bad. Or good," Rey says, thinking of Shiv in fury. "Same with the First Order."

"What did you come for?" the girl cries out.

"To let you know you can leave. If you want to," Luke puts in.

"If we _want_ to?"

"Yeah," Poe says. "It's up to you. If you want to stay, we can't—I mean—" He glances at Rey. _Ben?_

She shrugs. _Who knows?_ But she highly doubts he'll be able to persuade everyone to abandon the First Order.

"What will happen if I go?" she demands. "I don't want to be a Resistance fighter."

"You don't have to be," Finn encourages. "I didn't want to be. I'm actually more of a Jedi than a Resistance fighter, and if I'd chosen not to be, no one would be mad at me."

Poe shrugs and smirks.

"The first thing you'd get is a name," Finn says. "Like when Poe started calling me Finn instead of FN-2187."

She shakes her head and backs up. Rey bites her lip.

"What name?" she inquires.

"What…" Finn glances at Rey, at Luke, at Poe.

"SN…" Poe muses.

"Sini," suggests Finn. _See-nee._

"Sini?" The girl's lips curve upwards, and tension dissolves in Rey's shoulders.

_They're safe. Finn, Poe, and Luke are all safe, and coming home. And so is Sini._

* * *

"You're lying!"

"I'm not. Snoke is dead," Ben states, crossing his arms.

"Why aren't _you_ leading the First Order, then?" demands one of the head stormtroopers, a tall woman who almost reminds Ben of Phasma. He shudders as he remembers her end, according to Rey.

But the desperation riddling the woman's face is enough to tear at Ben. He swallows. "Because I've joined with the Resistance."

"So you're going to build a new Republic, then? After all the work Hux put into—" snarls a male captain.

"Hux is dead," Ben shoots back. "He died killing Snoke, not that you'll believe me."

The woman aims her blaster and Ben sends it flying through the air. Blue bolts to his left, and Ben waves his other arm, freezing the blast before it can slam into Chewie.

"Now," Ben says. "You're going to gather your troopers. You're going to let me explain things. And then you're going to give them the choice as to whether to leave or stay, and whatever choice they make will be respected. You hear?"

Chewie growls, grabbing the woman by the throat.

"Order them to assemble," Ben commands, sparking up his lightsaber for added affect. " _Now_."

* * *

Lights flash red and yellow.

"Shit!" gasps Poe. "Sorry, Sini. What does—"

"Assembly," Finn says quickly. "If it was an alarm, there would be, you know, an alarm blaring." He glances at Sini, who nods.

"It's got to be Ben," Rey says.

"Do we go? See if others want to come?" Luke questions.

"We should," Finn confirms, meeting Poe's eyes. He grabs Sini by the shoulders. "Why don't you go with Poe? He'll take you to our ship. You, and BB-8. R2, Luke, Rey, and I will be right behind you. With B—Kylo Ren. We promise."

"Is Ben his new name? Like Sini's mine?" she asks.

"Kind of. It's also his old name." Finn shrugs. "Poe?"

"Don't take too long." Poe grabs Finn by the back of his head and kisses him, long and deep. In the undercurrents, Finn senses his actual message, the one he doesn't want to speak in front of Sini: _don't get killed._

Finn traces Poe's cheek. _I won't._ "See you soon."

* * *

Rey knows Ben spots her the moment she steps out of the corridor and into the large expanse of pavement. Hundreds of children stand in rows too neat, too even. _Are they even human?_

She glances at Finn and knows the answer.

Ben stands on a stage, clad in black and with his hair whipping about his face. He's looking at her, and she doubts he can make out her features, but she hopes he knows she's proud of him.

"What you're heard about the First Order, about Supreme Leader Snoke's death," Ben begins. "Is true. He was killed by General Hux, who was defending a member of the Resistance. A Jedi."

 _Me._ Rey closes her eyes for the briefest of seconds before remembering that's likely not a wise move in the face of enemies, some of whom are starting to snap out of their stupor, glancing at her with mistrust.

"Let's split up," Luke murmurs. "I'll go towards the center, at the back. Finn, far left. Rey, far right. Don't mix in with the crowd. We might have to make a fast exit."

Ben shouts about how the First Order is certain to fall, how they don't have to become members of the Resistance, but if they want a new future, they're welcome to go with them. Or stay, but they can't guarantee their safety in that case.

Leia would never authorize any sort of attack, Rey knows. But someone, sometime, might. Surely the new New Republic won't want stormtroopers teeming in the galaxy.

 _Come with us,_ she wants to beg. _Come with us, please._

_I know what it's like to be lost. I know what it's like not to have a family. I know what it's like to be scared, so scared, of leaving._

_It's not the end. Leave. Please._

Rey spots Chewie approaching her, snuffling.

"Your leaders have given orders than anyone who wishes to leave should not be harmed," Ben adds. "If you do want to leave, there are three Jedi here."

" _Four!"_ Rey hollers.

"Four," Ben amends. "And a Wookiee. Head towards one of us if you want to leave." He steps back, hands clasped.

No one moves. Rey wants to scream.

And then one child, the boy from earlier, with sandy hair, takes a step. Others turn to stare at him, and he scrambles over towards Rey and Chewie, who puts a furry arm over the boy.

A group gathers around them, around Finn, around Luke, around Ben. The largest group gathers around Ben, and he may not notice, but Rey sees the awe with which the kids gape at him. They may not actually want to leave the First Order, but they want to follow him, and maybe that will be a bridge for them, a bridge away from this terrible place.

Kylo Ren isn't evil to everyone. They _adore_ him.

_See, you might have a chance to live up to that._

* * *

Finn knows they have limited time to escape with their refugees, all of whom are about a hundred in total. It's not going to be easy to fit all of them on the Falcon and the quadjumper.

"Go!" Ben suddenly shouts, and Finn whirls around to see him freezing a blaster bolt. Rey freezes another.

"Move, kids!" Luke yells, pushing them ahead. Chewie leads them, carrying some of the smaller ones.

A blaster shot barely misses Ben's head. Finn thrusts his hands up.

The shot stops.

Ben's jaw drops. "Thanks."

"No problem, cuz." Finn grabs Ben's gloved hands and yanks him up. Several kids have stalled to watch. "Keep running!" He turns to jog after them. Rey slashes at a blast with her saber.

"We're flying the jumper!" Rey hollers at Finn. "Just get out as fast as you can and get to D'Qar!"

"Right!" Finn launches himself up the Millennium Falcon's ramp, checking to make sure no one's been left behind. _All clear._ He shuts the ramp and Poe instantly jerks it into flight.

"They made it!" Poe hollers. "I see the quadjumper behind us!"

"Yes!" Finn pumps his fists, and then looks around him at the dozens and dozens of children, some clutching each other, some with eyes wide, some crying, all confused.

 _I know, kids,_ Finn thinks. _I know._

He peeks inside the cockpit just briefly, seeing Poe flying with Sini curled in the co-pilot's seat, asleep. Poe smiles at him.

Finn heads back out to find BB-8 flashing its fiery thumb and merrily chatting with several of the kids. Luke powers up the Dejarik board for several of them to play with.

"We did it," Finn breathes to his father. "For some of them, at least." A lump clogs his throat as he thinks of the ones who stayed. Did some of them want to leave, and stay from fear?

"If more want to leave, we can go back for them. We will," Luke insists.

"Thanks…" Finn swallows.

Luke throws his arms around Finn, hugging him. "I'm so proud of you."

Finn hesitates, and then embraces him back. "Thanks... Father."

Luke's eyes tear up.

Hours later, Poe allows some of the smaller kids to climb on him as the ship heads towards D'Qar. These kids won't have it easy back on the Resistance Base, Finn knows.

"Where will they go?" Finn asks Poe when he finally wiggle away, citing a desperate need for water.

"Leia might be able to arrange adoptions for them. We can help. Try to find people… we won't leave them abandoned."

"Some of them are gonna feel that way anyways," Finn warns. "Especially the older ones."

"Yeah, but…" Poe bites his lip as he watches Sini wrap her arms around a chubby-cheeked boy who looks like he's about three. "She was crying when we first got back to the ship. Said she wanted to go back."

"What'd you say?"

"That she could if she wanted to, but I didn't want her to," Poe says. "She started to leave, and then decided to say."

"There will be more meltdowns in the future," Finn comments. "For all of them." His heart aches. He so wants them to make it. Especially Sini. She pinches the boy's cheeks, and Finn thinks how there's so much childish goodness still in her. The First Order wasn't fully able to stamp it out.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Finn asks.

"About Sini? And maybe one or two more?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, I think it'd be cool for them to have a dad who knows what they're going through," Poe confirms.

* * *

"Thank you," Rey whispers to Ben as they approach landing on D'Qar. Rey and Chewie have been able to fly mostly, while Ben's been entertaining kids for hours. Which is fine, but he's far more tired now than he ever was, even from the trainings Snoke and Luke put him through.

"I'm glad I did it." Ben sighs. "Maybe… when we get back, if they let me, if I can, we can find other training centers, go there, try to help as many escape as possible." _But then where will they go?_

Ben doesn't know. But any place is better than where they are.

_How many of these kids will grow up to resent you when they realize you used to support the First Order? When the reality of what was done to them hits them? Especially for the ones who won't get a family?_

_I'll deal with it when it happens._

In the meantime, these kids love Kylo Ren, and Ben doesn't want to let them down. Hopefully, they'll love Ben Solo too, once they see that Kylo and Ben are the same person.

He's always been Kylo Ren, and Ben Solo. Maybe he doesn't have to fully exorcise that part, pretend it never existed.

Maybe he can redeem it.

They land on the base, and several pilots—Jess Pava, Snap Wexley, and others—rush over to help gather the stormtroopers. Maz grins at them.

"So, Ben Solo, you did it."

"We did it. I just helped."

"Hm." Maz winks. "Your mother's with Padmé. I'm sure they'd both be delighted to see you."

"Let's go," Rey says quickly, taking Ben's hand. "She's—"

"Fine," Lando confirms. "No problems. Except she doesn't want to sleep without you guys there. Or with her teeth coming in. Or both."

"You're going?" calls out the sandy-haired boy, his face falling.

Ben kneels down. "I'll come back. I promise. I'm just going to get my daughter."

"You have a daughter?"

"Yup," Rey confirms. "She's a baby."

"You can meet her," Ben promises. He rises and hurries away, feeling the glances of the Resistance pilots. Hopefully Luke and Finn and Poe can explain why he's dressed this way, if Maz hasn't already.

Mother's door is open, and Ben remembers all the times Father used to sneak in and scare her, winking at Ben as his signal for Ben to distract his mother, or at the very least not to giggle and give it away.

He puts his finger to his lips and winks at Rey, who scowls.

 _Oh well_. Ben slips into the room and spots Padmé sitting on the floor, reaching for a rattle on a table she'll never be able to reach. He doesn't see his mother.

 _Better yet…_ Ben floats the rattle over to his daughter.

Mother shrieks. Padmé clasps the rattle and bursts into a flurry of chortles.

_There she is._

Ben can't restrain himself any longer. He rushes over to his daughter, gathering her in his arms. She gurgles and bangs the rattle against his chin. "Ouch!"

"I heard you were back," Mother comments, wrapping her arms around him. She doesn't care that he looks like Kylo Ren. She knows she's hugging her husband's murderer, and she loves him anyways.

Grandfather appears in the corner, with Obi-Wan, both looking at their great-granddaughter and smiling.

"Come here, baby girl," Rey coos, prying Padmé from his arms and kissing her forehead. "Mother missed you."

"Your mother missed _you_ ," Mother tells Ben.

Ben embraces her again.

Rey yelps.

Ben and his mother whirl around to see the rattle floating several inches in front of Padmé's face. She giggles. Ben looks at Rey, who shakes her head.

"Well then," Mother says with a sigh.

The rattle starts to drop, and Padmé lets out a cry.

Ben and Rey go to lift it at the same time, raising it back up for Padmé.

"Did he start doing stuff like this when he was this young?" Rey asks.

"Nope." Mother shakes her head. "Maybe two or three, you were?"

"Let me guess." Rey says. "Han screamed."

"Of course."

"Not true," counters Threepio. "I apologize, Princess, but you were the one who screamed."

"Oh really?" Ben turns to his mother, who shrugs.

"The Force isn't something to be afraid of," Rey says.

"No," Ben agrees. Respected, yes. Feared, no.

And he hopes he and Rey will raise his daughter to know the difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, everyone! The longer canon-verse fic I'm working on should be up by the middle of next week.


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